light unto my path

So many times God only allows me to see only the next step in my path. As far as the light stretches. As much as I want to see the step after the next, God tells me I must take this next step before the light is shed to the next.

learning to trust

I wrote this on my jove about two weeks ago. It pays off to trust God. For shizzle. =)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

.soundtrack: "trust" by kristene mueller.


Trusting is not easy. I have come to realize recently that trusting is completely letting go. You aren’t allowed to hold on to anything at all if you trust. You have to let go. And no matter how many times God has asked you to trust Him, He will always ask it of you again.

I don’t want to let go. I want to figure it all out on my own. I want to weigh out the pros & cons. I want so badly to be in control of the future. At least to know what will happen in the end would be nice. To let go completely and to not know what will happen is so scary. I could be losing it all.

But I don’t care. I’m pushing all my chips in with God. I know He is the only one who can be completely trusted like this. He has the best in mind. Whatever He asks of me I will do it.

Then I wouldn’t be trusting God, huh?

"all that's in my head is in Your hands."

.:switchfoot:.

just

all that i know is i'm breathing
all i can do is keep breathing

tick.tock

tick.tock.tick.tock.

drip

drip


why is it when you so look forward to something that it seems like time intentionally slows down just to irritate us? i feel like a little kid waiting for Christmas to come. you want it to come so quickly but still, every time you wake up you are only allowed to cross off one day from your calendar.

i know that what i am looking forward to will be very deceptive, though. as soon as it really gets close, life will become miserable. i will most likely hate myself.

so what hope is there? just close my eyes? act like nothing is going to happen?

my feelings are so completely torn. on one hand i am so extremely excited for what is to come, yet on the other i hate what i am going to do to those around me. i won’t be here to laugh with them, to dry their tears or to put a smile back on their faces.

they are not mine and i continually must remind myself of this...it just doesn’t make things any easier.


with eyes wide shut,

*h

P.S.

three days after writing this i balled because i realized time really is going by....

Happy birthday to me

You know those bobble head dogs people put in their car? I hate them. They seriously creep me out. The whole drive from Vietnam I had this dog nodding it’s head at me. Seriously....what is the purpose of them? I used to like the Hawaiian dolls...I can understand they hula dance, but dogs nodding their heads? Have you ever seen a dog independently nod it’s head endlessly? And this car not only had one, but two...1-2...of them.

Ugh...the worst is when people go by selling them. I’ve seen the nodding head puppies being sold... the seller holds a tray with about forty of these nauseating muts and as the seller walks down the road all of them in unison nod their head at you. Some people fear heights, some clowns...I fear these puppies. Okay, I don’t scream, but I get the eebe-jeebies.

I had maybe one of the best birthday weeks of my life. I traveled, went scuba diving, watched one of the best firework shows I have seen, ate amazing food and hung out with some cool people. I cannot believe how blessed I am.

On my actual birthday only two people actually remembered my birthday. Your first response may be pity, but I surprisingly enjoyed it that way. Sometimes I even forgot it was my birthday.
My idea of having a birthday has changed a lot since moving here. To be honest, I like the feeling of being special, but after spending two years with kids who don’t even know when their birthday is, let alone have a party with cake and singing, I have been trying really hard to change my view on feeling everyone has to bow down to me on my day of birth. This is really odd for the girl who used to throw herself birthday parties.

It is funny because all through growing up I always wanted really big parties for my birthday, but the few times I got them I always felt really awkward. Especially when opening up gifts!

That’s just the worst, isn’t it? If you hate it, you have to smile wide for the camera and tell the person you love it (with out lying about it...for me at least). On the other end, if you love it you have to play it down so the others don’t feel like you hated their gift. What a sick cycle. I hope by next year I will not even want gifts, but this is me being honest: I still like gifts.

Once my Mom and sister threw me a surprise party (something I have always wished I had). When I found out about it before hand I felt like the most aweful person in the world because that is what I was being at that time of my life. 13...the worst year of my life. I dreaded the gifts.

The next party I threw for myself. It was a birthday/graduation party. Why didn’t I learn at 13? Because I wanted to be that girl with all the cool people at her party with a mound of birthday gifts. I see now it was all to see who were my true friends. Why do we torture ourselves like that? Not only had my car broken down on the way to graduation, but I was late for my own party and majorly stressed by the lack of show. Without much detail, my family had hotdogs, hamburgers and coke to last about three weeks after my party. I was so relieved when that day was over.

After that day I swore no more parties....though I did forget that when the next year came around. Sometimes it takes me a while to learn things. I told myself not only no more parties, but I was good with just being satisfied with a few close friends and not being close to everyone. Sure, I love having lots of friends, but I know who is a “hey, what’s up?” friend and who is a leave-your-tooth-brush-at-their-house or cry-on-their-sholder friend. These are the lessons we learn as we grow.

Well, the night is coming to an end. I just perfectly killed a cockroach with a water bottle. It’s head is completely detached from it’s body and it’s legs haven’t stopped spasming.

To top off my birthday, I shot an AK47 and an M1 gun. Yeah, that pretty much rocked.

Oh, welcome, new year.

ho.hum.and.a.bottle.of.rum

soundtrack for post:
bleeding love
swinging on a star

So, so...


it’s been a little while since i have said hello. so here i am. nothing too exciting to say, though. not too much has happened.

an exciting thing i just found out yesterday was that there is now a starbucks open here in PP! whoo-hoo! i think i will have to go look for it tomorrow. (i am in pp at the moment).

oh! i got my hair cut yesterday. i have oriental bangs now. i like ‘em. =) i have to say, though, i was a little frightened when the girl at the shop told the lady cutting my hair i wanted my hair cut like a horse. hmmm....LoL...i guess that’s what they call it here.

horsey?

i’ve been wanting to make a little video (since i have esme and now jove to help me out). yet i lack the skills and the inspiration. maybe i will just film random stuff, throw it together and see what happens.

coming up:

*Tuesday i’m going to the new orphanage with dan and a girl he knows who wants to take pictures. she graduated from a photography school in LA so that will be really cool to look over her shoulder. maybe i’ll get one more tid bit to add to my learning. yesss....

*june 5th-7th good morning vietnam! i’m going to vietnam with steve and the crew for a prayer/planning trip. for me = more pictures! so happy!

*june 13th – christine (a really neat girl from malaysia) is coming to hang out for the summer!

*june 27th- tim VH is coming to hang out for the summer! very exciting!

*july- sold out cambodia (a very crazy time)

*maybe august or otober i just heard pastor dave may come and visit! YAY! i was just thinking the other week that i have been here two years and he hasn’t come to hang out. i know he’s a busy man, but i miss him! LoL.

yep, yep. so other than that, not a whole lot.


p.s.

i have been really jealous that hannah went to disneyland without me. =( haha...


and...it is really hard to live in a place where there are really awesome clothes for only $2. i am trying to have self-control. it’s a virtue, right?

i learned how to make a kite! ^

my little brother and sister =) we're 'hides' (hydes).

little bit of sunshine

these are for you, mama, because they remind me of how much you love wisteria. i love you~

and this because it makes me happy.