light unto my path

So many times God only allows me to see only the next step in my path. As far as the light stretches. As much as I want to see the step after the next, God tells me I must take this next step before the light is shed to the next.

learning to trust

I wrote this on my jove about two weeks ago. It pays off to trust God. For shizzle. =)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

.soundtrack: "trust" by kristene mueller.


Trusting is not easy. I have come to realize recently that trusting is completely letting go. You aren’t allowed to hold on to anything at all if you trust. You have to let go. And no matter how many times God has asked you to trust Him, He will always ask it of you again.

I don’t want to let go. I want to figure it all out on my own. I want to weigh out the pros & cons. I want so badly to be in control of the future. At least to know what will happen in the end would be nice. To let go completely and to not know what will happen is so scary. I could be losing it all.

But I don’t care. I’m pushing all my chips in with God. I know He is the only one who can be completely trusted like this. He has the best in mind. Whatever He asks of me I will do it.

Then I wouldn’t be trusting God, huh?

"all that's in my head is in Your hands."

.:switchfoot:.

just

all that i know is i'm breathing
all i can do is keep breathing

tick.tock

tick.tock.tick.tock.

drip

drip


why is it when you so look forward to something that it seems like time intentionally slows down just to irritate us? i feel like a little kid waiting for Christmas to come. you want it to come so quickly but still, every time you wake up you are only allowed to cross off one day from your calendar.

i know that what i am looking forward to will be very deceptive, though. as soon as it really gets close, life will become miserable. i will most likely hate myself.

so what hope is there? just close my eyes? act like nothing is going to happen?

my feelings are so completely torn. on one hand i am so extremely excited for what is to come, yet on the other i hate what i am going to do to those around me. i won’t be here to laugh with them, to dry their tears or to put a smile back on their faces.

they are not mine and i continually must remind myself of this...it just doesn’t make things any easier.


with eyes wide shut,

*h

P.S.

three days after writing this i balled because i realized time really is going by....

Happy birthday to me

You know those bobble head dogs people put in their car? I hate them. They seriously creep me out. The whole drive from Vietnam I had this dog nodding it’s head at me. Seriously....what is the purpose of them? I used to like the Hawaiian dolls...I can understand they hula dance, but dogs nodding their heads? Have you ever seen a dog independently nod it’s head endlessly? And this car not only had one, but two...1-2...of them.

Ugh...the worst is when people go by selling them. I’ve seen the nodding head puppies being sold... the seller holds a tray with about forty of these nauseating muts and as the seller walks down the road all of them in unison nod their head at you. Some people fear heights, some clowns...I fear these puppies. Okay, I don’t scream, but I get the eebe-jeebies.

I had maybe one of the best birthday weeks of my life. I traveled, went scuba diving, watched one of the best firework shows I have seen, ate amazing food and hung out with some cool people. I cannot believe how blessed I am.

On my actual birthday only two people actually remembered my birthday. Your first response may be pity, but I surprisingly enjoyed it that way. Sometimes I even forgot it was my birthday.
My idea of having a birthday has changed a lot since moving here. To be honest, I like the feeling of being special, but after spending two years with kids who don’t even know when their birthday is, let alone have a party with cake and singing, I have been trying really hard to change my view on feeling everyone has to bow down to me on my day of birth. This is really odd for the girl who used to throw herself birthday parties.

It is funny because all through growing up I always wanted really big parties for my birthday, but the few times I got them I always felt really awkward. Especially when opening up gifts!

That’s just the worst, isn’t it? If you hate it, you have to smile wide for the camera and tell the person you love it (with out lying about it...for me at least). On the other end, if you love it you have to play it down so the others don’t feel like you hated their gift. What a sick cycle. I hope by next year I will not even want gifts, but this is me being honest: I still like gifts.

Once my Mom and sister threw me a surprise party (something I have always wished I had). When I found out about it before hand I felt like the most aweful person in the world because that is what I was being at that time of my life. 13...the worst year of my life. I dreaded the gifts.

The next party I threw for myself. It was a birthday/graduation party. Why didn’t I learn at 13? Because I wanted to be that girl with all the cool people at her party with a mound of birthday gifts. I see now it was all to see who were my true friends. Why do we torture ourselves like that? Not only had my car broken down on the way to graduation, but I was late for my own party and majorly stressed by the lack of show. Without much detail, my family had hotdogs, hamburgers and coke to last about three weeks after my party. I was so relieved when that day was over.

After that day I swore no more parties....though I did forget that when the next year came around. Sometimes it takes me a while to learn things. I told myself not only no more parties, but I was good with just being satisfied with a few close friends and not being close to everyone. Sure, I love having lots of friends, but I know who is a “hey, what’s up?” friend and who is a leave-your-tooth-brush-at-their-house or cry-on-their-sholder friend. These are the lessons we learn as we grow.

Well, the night is coming to an end. I just perfectly killed a cockroach with a water bottle. It’s head is completely detached from it’s body and it’s legs haven’t stopped spasming.

To top off my birthday, I shot an AK47 and an M1 gun. Yeah, that pretty much rocked.

Oh, welcome, new year.

ho.hum.and.a.bottle.of.rum

soundtrack for post:
bleeding love
swinging on a star

So, so...


it’s been a little while since i have said hello. so here i am. nothing too exciting to say, though. not too much has happened.

an exciting thing i just found out yesterday was that there is now a starbucks open here in PP! whoo-hoo! i think i will have to go look for it tomorrow. (i am in pp at the moment).

oh! i got my hair cut yesterday. i have oriental bangs now. i like ‘em. =) i have to say, though, i was a little frightened when the girl at the shop told the lady cutting my hair i wanted my hair cut like a horse. hmmm....LoL...i guess that’s what they call it here.

horsey?

i’ve been wanting to make a little video (since i have esme and now jove to help me out). yet i lack the skills and the inspiration. maybe i will just film random stuff, throw it together and see what happens.

coming up:

*Tuesday i’m going to the new orphanage with dan and a girl he knows who wants to take pictures. she graduated from a photography school in LA so that will be really cool to look over her shoulder. maybe i’ll get one more tid bit to add to my learning. yesss....

*june 5th-7th good morning vietnam! i’m going to vietnam with steve and the crew for a prayer/planning trip. for me = more pictures! so happy!

*june 13th – christine (a really neat girl from malaysia) is coming to hang out for the summer!

*june 27th- tim VH is coming to hang out for the summer! very exciting!

*july- sold out cambodia (a very crazy time)

*maybe august or otober i just heard pastor dave may come and visit! YAY! i was just thinking the other week that i have been here two years and he hasn’t come to hang out. i know he’s a busy man, but i miss him! LoL.

yep, yep. so other than that, not a whole lot.


p.s.

i have been really jealous that hannah went to disneyland without me. =( haha...


and...it is really hard to live in a place where there are really awesome clothes for only $2. i am trying to have self-control. it’s a virtue, right?

i learned how to make a kite! ^

my little brother and sister =) we're 'hides' (hydes).

little bit of sunshine

these are for you, mama, because they remind me of how much you love wisteria. i love you~

and this because it makes me happy.

free day: a happy story

i don’t know if every child was like this, but when i was little every summer i sought out my special “sunny spot.” in this sunny spot i spent the majority of the summer soaking it in the warm, lazy sun during naps, long hours of reading, drawing, watching birds or even just singing. it was a very important task to find my sunny spot because it was almost like a hide-away place where no one else was allowed to go. if someone ever discovered my sunny spot, oh! what devastation...

today began slow. i slept in quite late because there was no reason to wake early. i am always so bored in phnom penh. i slowly took a shower and even flat-ironed my hair and put make-up on...a rare thing.

while doing these things, i debated what to do with the day. i could go t o the internet, but i just went yesterday, so not much would have changed. i could go buy vitamins for the kids, which would only take up about 20 minutes of my day, travel time included. so i only had 6 hours and 40 minutes left to fill....

i considered just staying at the house and reading...but that’s when i remembered cafe sentiment! yes, it was perfect!

cafe sentiment is my very own grown-up “sunny spot” of phnom penh for one reason and one reason alone: the two swings they have for chairs. they are so wonderful! what a joyful day it was for me when i laid eyes on these hanging beauties for the first time. only one problem: since there are only two, sometimes you aren’t that lucky to get them.

with much excitement in my remembrance of my sunny spot, i quickly gathered my journal, iPod, reading book (which is surprised by joy by c.s. lewis), and my new (millionth) sketch book i even packed my new $3 greeen comfy old navy pants and new favorite $1 cambodian thrift store sweatshirt..

my poor moto dope (taxi) driver...on my way to the cafe, i got a little confused with the roads. i think he was a little frustrated with me, but at the end he was happy because i gave him an extra .25 cents for the long journey.

i had the moto dope driver drop me off at iBC (international book center) because i was determined to draw in my sketch book. after wandering the meager selection of books, i finally just picker up some postcards to play around with. now i was all set to go.

as far as i could recall, the cafe was only one block from iBC, so i walked. the average amount of moto dope drivers called after me (which is too many). one even followed me and kept asking me if i needed a ride even after i had answered him many times. finally i turned to him and asked, “didn’t i just tell you ‘no’? did you not hear me?” a little taken back by the fact that i could speak khmer, the guy drove off. it wasn’t like Jesus to do that, i know...and i’m not very happy about it...but it was amusing that the guy was shocked i could speak khmer....LoL.

i continued to walk and the place that the cafe was supposed to be stood ‘lucky burger.’ bummer...so i walked in and asked the girls where the cafe was. from what i understood, they said it was only one more block down. wading through more moto dope drivers, i walked on. as i neared the next intersection my heart sunk as i saw that there was a bank where i expected the cafe to be. i kept walking as i debated in my heart whether to go back to the house or not, then i looked to the other corner and there she was in all her glory: cafe sentiment.

oh! joy.


i walked into the doors with such joy in my heart. i quickly chose my coffee (even though i didn’t even really want one...all i wanted was a swinging chair). oh! and old norah jones was playing. so perfect! it was all so perfect. then i looked up...

while the girl rang up my order, i looked up the three levels to where i could catch a glance of my swinging chairs. my heart sank with such sadness and frustration as i saw sitting in my chair a creepy man staring down smirking at me. no!

i sat down to wait for my coffee in such utter despair...all i could think was, ï even packed my comfy pants, God!” oh, i can be so silly sometimes. i even prayed and asked God to make the creepy man go away...haha...it was just as if i found my little brother sitting in my sunny spot.

after a long while, i debated that even if that man was there, maybe i could still sit in the one next to him...i shivered just thinking about it, but i wouldn’t let this ruin my day.

i walked up the stairs to the third story even still hoping the man would be gone. as i reached the top, i couldn’t believe it! the man was no where to be seen! he disappeared! even more: hardly anyone was on the floor! Jesus does love me!

so here i am...little swings in between thoughts and all. perfect. green comfy pants and all. perfect.

if i ever own a coffee shop or have a room, i have to have a swinging chair. now i will draw.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

this actually took place last week, i only just got to typing it up. i wonder if anyone will actually read all the way to the end. this is freaking long...haha...oh, and i found out there is free wireless internet. whoo-hoo!

"If you don’t figure out the “something” you’ll just stay ordinary. And it doesn’t matter if it’s a work of art, a taco or a pair of socks. Just create something new, and there it is. And it’s you, out in the world, outside of you. And you can look at it, or hear it or read it or feel it and you know a little bit more about you. A little bit more than anybody else does. "

This is from the movie P.S. i love you. I love this quote so much because it reminds me why I love creating...it is a way of expressing myself. It reminds me who I am.

thanks, rachel. i liked it a lot.

tour #1

so i thought it might be nice to take a little tour around my room. next, i'll take you around the center and then expand to around town, but we'll start small then work our way out. =)
here we have my bed with the mosquito net up. usually it's down during the day, but it was pretty up that morning with the light coming through.
these are my stars. i love my stars. they dangle in my window and are wonderful to fall asleep to as they dance in the moon light.

of course i have pictures all around my room. =)

i also have stashes...of tea and peanut butter...you know, the vital things...

mirror, orchid flower, smiles and earrings for those special occasions...which don't come up often, so i put them here to look at.

so yeah, that's about it for tour #1. hope you enjoied the tour.

esme & jove

the search is over! last night, while watching one of my many pirated movies...hehe...terrible...As You Like It...i came upon the name 'jove' and at that moment i knew that was the one. that was my little baby's name... =P

and, honestly, i had just named my camera 'molly' (crazy after two years, huh? poor thing, thought i forgot her..). as much as i love that name, it just doesn't fit like 'esme.' so now i have esme & jove. aren't they lovely together?

other news:

i am going to malaysia next month for some fun! just pure fun. =) so exciting! i am excited for all the new places to see, people to meet, stories to tell. whoo-hoo!

and iTunes works! and i can even download songs in my little village. the Lord is good! any suggestions on new tunes? i would rather not live under a rock.

i am going to figure out what to do about something: i just came to the internet and have been on for a while, ordered food, ate that food, and just realized i didn't bring my purse...whoops! hmmm...

3% every 10 minutes...

so here is am, in the internet cafe. i decided to try downloading iTunes onto my new laptop. yessss... and since it's been a slow process, i decided to do something i have been meaning to do for a very long time:

start a real blog of me...

not the grown-up me...but me...

haha...

the one that uses "..." after every sentense...

the one who doesn't capitalize any words...(except God)...

so here i am! what better time to start than when you get a laptop! hehe... so, i have a question. since i enjoy the art of naming thing... for example, my moto's name is jayele...my home guitar is evelyn.mae...my violin is sparrow (thank you, daddy! ahhh...she's beautiful. a picture is coming soon)....my camera is molly (just named her)... here's my question: what name should my laptop be deemed with?

this may seem sillyness to some people, to me this is a very serious thing... so, here are some names i have considered:

-bob (i don't think this fits, but one day i wil come upon a bob-worthy item)

-jasper

-esme

-edward (i know, i know...but they are good names, don't you think?) =)

-jack (then i would have jack & sparrow...:::smiles:::...)

-peter

there are more, i just can't think of them. so, what are your thoughts? i am open to suggestions, too.

so, after 2 hours iTunes is finally loaded! whoo-hoo! i hope i can buy music here... pray...

so until next time... let love be in your hearts*

oh, i have adobe photoshop! i am so excited about it!